Script friends

SCENE 1: CENTRAL PERK. (ALL PRESENT EXCEPT RACHEL AND ROSS)

MONICA: There's nothing to tell! He's just some guy I work with!

JOEY: C'mon, you're going out with the guy! There's gotta be something wrong with him!

CHANDLER: So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?

PHOEBE: Wait, does he eat chalk?

(THE OTHERS STARE, BEMUSED)

PHOEBE: Just, 'cause, I don't want her to go through what I went through with Carl- oh!

MONICA: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and- not having sex.

CHANDLER: Sounds like a date to me.

(CUT TO SAME SET)

CHANDLER: Alright, so I'm back in high school, I'm standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.

ALL: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.

CHANDLER: Then I look down, and I realize there's a phone... there.

JOEY: Instead of...?

CHANDLER: That's right.

JOEY: Never had that dream.

PHOEBE: No.

CHANDLER: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. And it turns out it's my mother, which is very weird, because- she never calls me!

(CUT TO SAME SET. ROSS HAS NOW ENTERED)

ROSS: (MORTIFIED) Hi.

JOEY: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.

MONICA: Are you okay, sweetie?

ROSS: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...

CHANDLER: Cookie?

MONICA: (EXPLAINING TO THE OTHERS) Carol moved her stuff out today. (TO ROSS) Let me get you some coffee.

PHOEBE: Ooh! Oh! (STARTS TO PLUCK AT THE AIR JUST IN FRONT OF ROSS)

ROSS: No, no don't! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay? I'll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she'll be very happy.

MONICA: No you don't.

ROSS: No I don't, to hell with her, she left me!

JOEY: And you never knew she was a lesbian...

ROSS: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?

CHANDLER: Sometimes I wish I was a